


How to Lie

by watermelonikaz



Category: Holostars, Virtual Streamer Animated Characters
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Character Study, Cheating, Domestic Babudon, Everyone Is Here Because The Author Is A Fool, Hand Jobs, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Operation Make Leda Happy, ToiletTempo, Top!Miyabi, Unrequited MaFia If You Squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 18:40:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29905383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watermelonikaz/pseuds/watermelonikaz
Summary: God, but he wanted so badly to be strong. To be enough. And everyone had been so supportive and he didn’t want to let them down, so he thought he could--“Astel!”Fuck.Temma’s voice was coming from somewhere behind him and Astel knew the correct -- the expected -- course of action was for him to turn around, slap a smile onto his face, make some kind of asinine joke about toilets or whatever, and pretend he was okay.He couldn’t.
Relationships: Astel Leda/Kishido Temma, Hanasaki Miyabi/Kishido Temma, Kageyama Shien/Yukoku Roberu
Comments: 19
Kudos: 21





	How to Lie

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Taizjen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taizjen/gifts), [Clover_Zero](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clover_Zero/gifts).



> For Aiko & Zauer, the Astemma. For Jordi, you know what you did.

**How to Lie**

_“Lies require commitment.” - Veronica Roth, Divergent_

  
  


When he was younger, Astel was proud that he'd mastered the art of lying. He'd even taught a few of his friends the secret: Every good lie contained the truth. 

An emotion he'd felt before, words he'd meant at a different time and place, things he'd really done but not necessarily in the order he'd spoken of them.

It was like putting together a puzzle or cooking a dish for dinner. Every piece and every ingredient was hand-picked to fit into a seamless whole. 

The more he practiced, the better and the faster at it he got, though he usually only used this particular skill for harmless fun -- teasing people, testing their limits, revealing his feelings without having to commit just yet in case they were unwelcome.

In a way, it was part of his defenses. Maybe even the most important part because it was always the first and the easiest trick deployed from his arsenal.

Back then, he'd been proud of it. As he grew older, he began to wish he could stop. 

Because the lies were no longer harmless.

And because the first person they always ended up hurting was himself.

* * *

There was a meeting planned over Discord, though it'd taken them a long time to get the call going because their schedules didn't align on that day and some of them just plain forgot.

Astel had joined the call on time, and had sat through a grand total of twelve minutes of unsuccessfully trying to join the conversation -- sure, he was making troll comments and that was probably why they kept ignoring him, but how else was he supposed to contribute? No one bothered to invite him to _help_ \-- before he muted himself and bugged Izuru and Shien to hurry up and join too.

Miyabi, Temma, and Aruran were discussing some sort of collaboration they were planning, but of course the HanaKishi pair seemed drawn into their own little world as per usual and kept losing the thread of their own conversation to low-key flirt with each other with sentences like _when I come over_ or _we should try it together_.

It was annoying. Astel wished they'd just get on with it and fuck already so this whole nonsense would end. He said as much to Izuru, even as he spammed Shien's DMs with various moving emojis and _shiieeenn shieeen shi-en it's started come on come ooon cooome onnn_. 

"You don't really want that," Izuru said, his tone matter-of-fact over the phone. In the background, Astel could hear the younger man shifting things around so he could sit down and log-in properly. He made a mental note to figure out a way to secretly give Izuru a bigger room. Maybe if they won an APEX tournament with lots of prize money-- "You'll cry if they become official."

"I've never cried in my life," Astel lied automatically, clicking on a different name in his friend’s list when Shien still failed to respond. He didn’t bother correcting the rest of Izuru’s assertion, since it was probably true anyway. Astel didn’t really want Miyabi and Temma to get together, though that wasn’t something he’d admit so easily.

 _Roberu,_ Astel typed out in the new DM window he’d opened, even as he saw Izuru join the group call and heard the others greeting him. _Meeting. You’re late._

"Better start then, or the rest of us will beat you with experience,” Izuru said. “See ya.”

Astel found himself laughing. The dry way Izuru had said it -- like it'd actually been serious advice -- got to him. Izuru dropped their call immediately after and began speaking to the group, thankfully interrupting the HanaKishi lovebirds in the middle of another one of their accidental flirt sessions.

Astel decided it was alright now and unmuted himself. Roberu and Shien joined minutes later, coming in one after the other with different excuses for the delay. The former sent an emoji rolling its eyes in reply to Astel’s DM and Shien said something about having his phone on silent.

Astel grinned to himself as he read the messages, already detecting the lies that he himself would have spouted in the same situation. A liar could easily spot another because they had the same bag of tricks.

He let it go, however, and decided he wasn’t going to say anything until they did -- or, more likely, they both slipped up and inadvertently revealed their budding relationship themselves.

Some lies weren’t his to protect.

* * *

Temma was nervous about what they were about to do. It made him chattier and more prone to awkward laughter than usual, and he wondered if the others had noticed. He’d initially been against this idea -- it seemed a bit too self-important to call a meeting for such a selfish reason -- but Miyabi had ultimately convinced him.

Not that he’d needed much convincing, of course. It was Miyabi, and Temma was easily swayed by anything the redhead said.

Or maybe the right sentence was that Temma was easily swayed, period.

It was probably because he wasn’t the type of person who had concrete plans for himself. When he was asked for goals -- a common question while growing up -- he usually didn’t know how to answer and tried to say something he thought the person asking would want to hear instead.

He didn’t think there was anything wrong with being flexible. It helped with his social skills, at least. He could get along with practically anyone and was part of many friend groups as a consequence. Various people called him occasionally to hang-out, and he never lacked for company if he wanted it. 

No one who met him hated him. In fact, practically everyone liked him. But that was usually where it ended. A surface-level relationship that didn’t dare go deeper, because some friends really were only there for the good times, and that was okay.

Temma had gone through most of his life this way, and found the overall experience alright but lacking. He felt a bit like a bonus DLC when it came to his friends -- someone who was nice to have around when they showed up, but wasn’t necessarily part of the main cast -- and he wanted to change that.

He wanted to be able to say that he had someone -- or several someones -- he could call in the middle of the night with his problems. He wanted a best friend. He wanted people outside of his family that he could trust with his life.

So when he’d made it into Holostars, Temma decided he was going to try something different. He was going to put himself out there and in the same vein, let people in as well. Holostars was going to be his group and it was going to be great. People would seek him out on purpose and have him as the first choice when it came to hanging-out.

It was fortunate, then, that the first person to welcome him was Miyabi.

Miyabi was a godsend. He offered to walk Temma through everything and was supportive every step of the way. He constantly checked up on Temma and started conversations with him, and eventually Temma found that the other man’s presence was a stable one in his life. He enjoyed talking to Miyabi about anything and everything, and it was nice to have someone messaging him daily and worrying about everything he did. 

He felt important. Needed. Wanted. In a way he hadn’t with his other friends. It made him happy.

At first, he’d asked Miyabi if they could be called best friends -- because that’s what Temma thought the relationship they had was -- but Miyabi had laughed at him then and said there was another term for what they were.

That term was _boyfriends_.

* * *

“We called this meeting because we wanted to tell everyone the good news,” Miyabi was saying. He was smiling at the camera and swaying a little with joy. It was cute. Very adorable. 

It was also purposely calculated, because Miyabi was shrewder than he looked and Astel knew it but couldn’t prove it. It was just a gut feel he got whenever he interacted with Miyabi. There was something dangerous about the guy -- and really, someone who could create those grotesque creatures for his forest was definitely not normal -- behind the sweet smiles and the gentle demeanor he presented to the public.

“Is this about the Yurustars collab? You could’ve just posted it in the general channel,” Roberu said, adjusting his glasses. His hair was mussed -- like he’d just woken up -- and he seemed to be calling in from his bathroom. They’d teased him about it at first, though Astel had tried not to go too hard on his genmate.

After all, the only reason Roberu was in the bathroom was because Shien had joined the call from the bartender’s bedroom.

Or at least that’s what Astel figured, even if no one else seemed to come to the same conclusion. After all, only Astel had been over to Shien’s place in the past -- they’d been friends even before this whole streaming business -- and he was the only one in this call who knew for a fact that Shien’s walls weren’t that color.

“No, it’s more important than that,” Miyabi said, beaming.

“What? Is someone getting 3D?” Izuru asked, sounding completely uninterested in the answer.

“No, it’s not work related!”

There were a chorus of interested sounds and Astel felt a sinking feeling in his gut all of a sudden. He glanced from Miyabi’s face to the square showing Temma at the bottom of the screen. Temma was laughing nervously and there was a hint of red on his cheeks. He looked embarrassed.

Izuru’s voice was suddenly replaying in Astel’s head. _You'll cry if they become official._

_No, no, no. Not that. Don’t let it be that. Please._

It was a weird feeling, in a way. Astel had known from the start that Miyabi had staked a claim on Temma -- it was practically impossible to get Temma alone for anything since Miyabi always found a way to involve himself -- and he had decided not to compete.

After all, Miyabi Hanasaki was his senior in Holostars. It was only right to give way to that. A show of respect, so to speak. And it wasn’t like Astel was interested in Temma -- not in _that_ way at least -- when they’d first started out. He’d been too focused on his job and trying to pull everyone in the group up with him. He didn’t have time for romance.

But of course, Astel’s feelings didn’t really care about the logic he was trying to use to shape it. He’d fallen for Temma anyway -- the blond had an earnest and ideal personality, and it definitely helped that he was super cute and fashionable in person too -- and so now he was inwardly suffering from sudden nerves.

 _Lie first_ , Astel told himself, summoning a memory of a happier event in his life and throwing out an excited shout of his own even though all he currently felt was dread. _Maybe it’s not what you think._

“We just wanted to tell everyone that Temma and I are officially boyfriends now!”

Miyabi was saying something more, and Temma was adding in his own flustered comments. The others were either congratulating, teasing, or complaining that this didn’t warrant an online meeting. Astel was no longer hearing the words.

His phone buzzed and he spared a glance down at it, seeing Izuru’s message in capital letters.

_REACT._

Izuru had always been astute, and though Astel had tried not to let the younger man in too close, it had happened anyway. One too many gaming sessions that had ended with him pouring his heart out afterwards when the cameras stopped rolling. It was something that Astel regretted at times -- he didn’t want to drag someone so young into his own messy problems. What kind of irresponsible adult was he? -- but at that particular moment, he was thankful he had done so.

Astel pulled himself together in seconds. He tugged out something else from his memory, formulated his lie, and blurted out his congratulations. He clapped, he whooped, he made a whole production out of it and ensured he looked properly happy for the new couple.

 _It’s fine. I can let Temma go,_ Astel tried to tell himself throughout his award-level acting. But even as he repeated the words inside his head a few dozen times and tried to make them stick, another word persistently came to mind. _Liar._

* * *

At first, it hadn’t been that hard. All Astel had to do was look away from things he didn’t want to see online and continue with his daily life as always. He was doing fine and was convinced he was moving on properly. It was easy to pretend that nothing had changed from before Miyabi and Temma had revealed their relationship.

But then there was a plan for SunTempo to meet-up. It was rare that the suggestion even came up -- a combination of busyness and not wanting to be the one to invite the others was usually the reason -- but when it finally did, none of them objected to it.

Astel was a little bit apprehensive -- he hadn’t seen Temma since before the whole _boyfriend_ thing -- and didn’t know how to present himself. Face-to-face, it was harder to pretend. There was no backspace, emojis, or anything that could help hide his feelings. He couldn’t make fake voice impressions and play things off as a joke despite grimacing in real life. 

Face-to-face, he had to _become_ his lies -- strong, unaffected, confident, and definitely _not_ in love with Temma -- and he wasn’t sure he’d be able to pull it off.

“Knock him dead. Show up looking like sin and make him fall for you,” Izuru suggested over their discord call, as blunt as always. Astel sometimes wondered how Izuru went through life without a filter, but he figured the younger man only spoke this way to people he knew could take it.

“Harsh, Izuru,” Astel said, laughing afterwards. He met Izuru’s eyes on the screen and grinned. “Do you really think I can do that?”

“Didn’t you once tell me that you could get anyone you wanted into bed?” Izuru replied, rolling his eyes. “So, prove it. Show our resident knight what Astel Leda is like when he wants something.”

Astel shook his head, his laugh softer this time. “That was when I was younger and more reckless. Nowadays, I don’t think I can--”

“Astel,” Izuru interrupted, his eyes narrowing. Even through a screen, the way Izuru’s expressions could shift from cute to intense was impressive. When he got older, he’d surely break a lot of hearts, if he hadn’t already. “The last time we went out, at least five people stared like their eyes were bugging out of their sockets, and at least one guy tried to grab your ass. Take your fake modesty and shove it.”

Astel laughed again. It was funny how Izuru always seemed to be able to raise his mood somehow by being extremely brutal. Maybe because he knew Izuru wouldn’t lie to him. No matter how harsh the words were, they came from a place of caring and they were meant sincerely.

“Fine,” Astel said, grinning as he began to mentally plot out his wardrobe and make-up for the day. “I’ll look good.”

“You _always_ look good,” Izuru said dryly. “Just that the last time you showed yourself to Temma, you seemed to be going for _cute_ . Show him what you’re _really_ like, Astel.”

“Okay, okay,” Astel agreed, raising his hands in mock surrender. The bossy tone from someone younger than him -- if it were anyone else, he’d have snapped back by now. “But nothing too extreme. I don’t want him to think I’m trying to seduce him.”

“Isn’t that the point?”

“Not at all,” Astel said, truly meaning it. He had no plans of actually breaking up Temma and Miyabi. All he wanted was to get through the meet-up without accidentally revealing all of his clearly unwanted feelings to Temma. Defense, not offense, so to speak. “Looking good is like armor. It gives extra confidence.”

Izuru was quiet for a moment and then he nodded, a small smirk forming on his lips. “You’re going to fuck it up.”

“The hell, Izu!” Astel let out a surprised laugh. “Don’t encourage me one minute and then punch down on the next!”

“No, that’s just the truth. You have trouble keeping your emotions reigned in on a good day,” Izuru replied. He tilted his head and seemed to be thinking. “Ah. I know how to solve this. You should ask Roberu to look out for you.”

* * *

Somehow, Roberu had agreed. Maybe it was because Astel had coursed the request through Shien instead. Roberu did seem like the type who was soft for his lover despite being all jagged edges and loud everywhere else. The two still hadn’t admitted their relationship to the other Holostars, but Astel spoke to Shien as if he knew, and Shien never bothered denying it.

In a way, it was now a secret the three of them shared. Astel even helped deflect when it seemed like the others would get close to guessing.

Feeling a bit more reassured since he’d have someone looking out for him, Astel decided to pamper himself before the meet-up. He soaked in a bath, styled his hair, picked out a nice attire, and did his make-up. He did all of his preparations while talking on twitcast, because rambling to his audience calmed him somehow. Plus, it did help his ego a little to receive such nice comments as he got ready.

When he finally stepped out of the door to head to the meeting place, he was confident in his ability to at least survive the night.

 _Let me teach you how to lie_ , Astel thought to himself as he walked, his entire demeanor like he was gearing up for a fight. _All you have to do is smile and pretend you aren’t about to die._

* * *

Temma didn’t know what to expect from a SunTempo meet-up. On one hand, he was a little bit intimidated because both Roberu and Astel gave off the impression that they were gregarious and larger than life. On the other, Temma was excited to hang-out with people that weren’t Miyabi. Not that there was anything wrong with Miyabi, per se, but meeting the redhead every week for a date wasn’t something he’d call thrilling.

Dates with Miyabi were calm and predictable. They always felt a little bit _off_ somehow -- like Temma was doing something wrong and was disappointing Miyabi -- but they were easy to manage. They’d go eat somewhere, visit a place either one of them had suggested, and then go home to rinse and repeat on the next week.

Sure, Miyabi always seemed to be waiting for Temma to say something -- and Temma suspected Miyabi wanted to take the relationship even further -- but he wasn’t outwardly pushing for anything just yet. Temma just went with the flow. If Miyabi wanted something more from him, then he’d wait for the topic to be brought up and address it then. There was no need to pointlessly worry about things that hadn’t even happened yet, after all.

Besides, it was Miyabi. In the short time they’d been together, Temma had learned that the person he’d thought was gentle at first glance was actually very aggressive when he wanted to be. Miyabi was usually the one starting their kisses and increasing their pacing from slow to torrid. He wasn’t afraid to reach out and take what he wanted. So Temma was absolutely sure that if Miyabi really wanted their relationship to lead to the bedroom _right now_ , the redhead would do something about it.

Who knew that signing up for a relationship with his best friend would net Temma some sort of dominant master instead?

Not that he was complaining, of course. He didn’t really mind whatever Miyabi wanted to do. As long as the other man was happy -- as long as Temma didn’t lose the person he’d grown completely comfortable with -- everything was fine.

Maintaining a relationship didn’t really need passionate feelings, right? Just liking the other person enough to give in to whatever they wanted was enough.

* * *

When Temma got to the designated area, Astel and Roberu were already there talking. Or rather, it looked like Roberu was talking -- gesturing animatedly as he spoke -- and Astel was--

_Oh. Wow._

Temma found himself staring. Astel looked, for lack of a better word, _pretty_. The sweater he had on looked soft and warm to the touch, and his denim jeans looked painted on, emphasizing areas that Temma really shouldn’t be looking at since he already had a boyfriend. He dragged his eyes up purposely to Astel’s face as he walked towards the pair, a little bit annoyed that the action hadn’t helped at all. Astel’s hair was wavy and looked soft to the touch, his eyes were framed by a vibrant blue eyeshadow that made him look more intense, and his lips--

“Hey, Temma!” Roberu called out loudly, finally seeming to notice his approach. He waved, despite the fact that it was obvious Temma was already walking in the right direction. “Over here!”

Temma smiled and waved back anyway, a small flush creeping to his cheeks in embarrassment. Would it kill Roberu to be a little less of a stand-out in a crowd?

He made it to the pair and without really planning to do so beforehand, Temma threw his arms around both Astel’s and Roberu’s shoulders, dragging both into an unstable hug where they all swayed unsteadily for a moment before they regained their footing.

Astel made a yelp of discomfort that turned into a giggle, one of his arms hooking around Temma’s waist to return the favor. Roberu hugged back too, but Temma found he was more attuned to the feeling of Astel pressed against him for a brief moment -- it should’ve been criminal for someone to feel this soft and smell this good -- before the sorta awkward group-hug ended and Astel launched into an analysis about which restaurants they could go to nearby.

“Let’s try them all,” Roberu said gamely when Astel finished and asked which one they wanted to go to for dinner.

He laughed, and then Astel laughed, and then Temma found himself laughing too. People were staring -- Temma could feel their gazes of curiosity -- but he found that he didn’t really mind this time. Being with these guys -- laughing with these guys -- had made him feel lighter than he’d had in weeks. And they hadn’t even done _anything_ yet.

Astel then suggested doing a voice tweet for their fans before they hit the first restaurant, and both Temma and Roberu leaned in to crowd around the shorter man and his phone. Temma’s heart was beating fast, but he told himself it was from the giddiness of meeting up with such a high-energy pair. It wasn’t because he was actually attracted to Astel. It was not that at all.

* * *

Astel was strong and he knew it. Not in an obvious way -- physically, he probably even looked weak, though he would’ve preferred it if no one mentioned such things around him -- but inside him was layer after layer of defenses protecting a fragile core.

His heart was incredibly big. He felt too much. He cared too much. He loved too much. He was the type of person who would destroy himself if it would save everyone else. Who he was now was the product of a lot of pain -- the kind that would break lesser men -- and he worked tirelessly to ensure that no one else would have to experience what he did.

His strength had been built up on purpose, with every layer of defense shaped with bleeding hands from something painful that had once been used against him.

He knew his limits well. He knew his contradictions. He knew how much of a mess he looked like to people who didn’t know him -- someone who was both confident and insecure, thought himself strong and yet weak, knew he was skilled but _not enough_ \-- and he strived to turn every insult, every snide remark, and every weakness into something he could be proud of.

Most of the time, he succeeded, but it was still not to his satisfaction. He thought his strength was adequate, but only for him. It was not enough. Not yet. He wanted to be strong enough for _everyone_.

“It’s okay. You can leave it to me.”

Those were the words he wanted to be able to say one day with the full confidence that he could carry everyone on his shoulders to whatever goal they were striving for.

He wanted, more than anything right now, to be the type of person who could look both Temma and Miyabi in the eye, say he was happy for them, and fucking _mean it_. He wanted to fight for them, not against them. That was the kind of strength he wanted -- one that he could use for others more than himself.

Before this meet-up, he’d thought he was close to the kind of strength he wanted to achieve. But now, looking at Temma across the table from him -- the blond wasn’t even doing anything, just being his dumb and cute self -- Astel realized how wrong he’d been.

He wasn’t strong enough to save anyone just yet. Hell, he couldn’t even save himself.

* * *

Temma didn’t know if it was his imagination or if Astel really was staring at him a lot. It seemed like everytime he looked in the other man’s direction -- though he wasn’t going to admit how often he did it -- their eyes would meet.

Maybe it was coincidental. After all, Astel had to look at him to talk to him, right? And there were only three of them together, so naturally, Astel would only be looking at either Roberu or Temma himself at all times.

Still, his own reaction when their gazes met was concerning. Temma was pretty sure he shouldn’t actually be feeling a tingle down his spine whenever it happened, his stomach twisting in excitement and anticipation. 

_Anticipation for what?_ He didn’t know, or he did but didn’t want to acknowledge it. If he gave notice to his feelings, they’d become _real_ and such a thing didn’t bode well for the current pleasant trajectory of Temma’s life.

Whenever Astel laughed -- and it happened way too often since, for some reason, everything they talked about seemed doubly hilarious to everyone -- Temma could feel his cheeks heating up. Why was it that everything Astel seemed to do or say today seemed calculated to thoroughly affect Temma in some way?

Even innocent words like ‘ _here, try mine_ ’ or normal teasing about indirect kisses when they drank from the same glass was causing Temma some internal conflict. This shouldn’t be happening. He wasn’t some bright-eyed student hanging-out with his crush.

Astel was a friend, nothing more. So, _why_ \--

“Temma, it’ll fall,” Astel said suddenly, reaching out to catch the condiment bottle Temma had accidentally elbowed off the table in his uncomfortable shifting. Temma had moved at the same time and their hands met around the bottle briefly.

Temma felt a bit like dying. Astel’s skin was _soft_ \-- softer than it should’ve been, because didn’t he use his hands often? To play games? And oh god, why were Temma’s thoughts now wandering off in some terrible direction as he thought about where else Astel could put those soft hands of his --

“Oh, you got it. Good catch,” Astel laughed, withdrawing his hand automatically. It hadn’t even been two seconds. Temma’s face was burning now as he shakily put the bottle back onto the table, though he really hoped no one would point it out. He wouldn’t be able to explain it. Nor would he be able to tell anyone why he was already half-aroused from a _friend_ \-- a very attractive friend, yes, but that’s all they were -- touching his damned hand.

You’d think he was a virgin with his reactions, for fuck’s sake.

“Temma, you good?” Roberu cackled, and the familiarity of his laughter brought Temma back from the dangerous direction his thoughts were going. “You’re super red. Did you order something alcoholic?”

“Maybe something spicy,” Astel grinned. He looked at Temma and winked, probably not knowing just how much he was making Temma’s life difficult right now. “Take it easy, Temma. Don’t wear yourself out. We’re only at the third restaurant.”

Temma laughed awkwardly, shifting in his seat again as he tried to mentally will his unwelcome perverted thoughts away. Luckily, Roberu segued easily into another topic right after -- he really was a godsend when it came to conversation -- and Temma didn’t have to elaborate on anything.

 _This is going to be a long night_ , Temma thought to himself.

* * *

Roberu shoved himself into the cramped bathroom, and Astel yelled out a dramatic complaint as the other man began to push him out with hands on his shoulders. 

“At least let me wash my hands!”

Roberu said something loudly in reply, but that wasn’t what Astel ended up focusing on. It was the words that came after that felt like a handful of ice being dropped down the back of his shirt.

“Leda,” Roberu’s voice was all of a sudden low -- who knew this idiot could whisper?! -- and his tone was one of warning. “Your mask is slipping.”

“Fuck,” Astel hissed, all his struggling stopping as he whirled within the small space and kicked the door shut behind him. He looked up at Roberu and narrowed his eyes, his mind already trying to go through every interaction he’d had with Temma that night. “When?”

“You’re beginning to flirt,” Roberu said, rolling his eyes and sighing like doing Astel this favor of watching out for him was a complete and total pain. “Those little touches you’re doing to him? Better stop that.”

“What touches?” Astel asked, his instinct to lie kicking in before he could stop it.

“Ugh. I really hate getting involved in these things,” Roberu muttered under his breath. He turned away and took a step towards the urinal. “Do you mind if I piss while we talk?”

“Wha-- of course I mind, shitbag,” Astel said, raising his voice a little in annoyance. He stalked back to the sink and began to wash his hands with furious movements. “Keep it in for one fucking minute, will you! How many times are you going to walk in when I’m using the bathroom tonight anyway?!”

“As many times as it takes,” Roberu said, cackling all of a sudden. “This is the only time we can really talk, y’know.”

“And yet we’re not talking,” Astel pointed out. “If we keep this up, Temma’s going to think we’re sneaking kisses in every restaurant bathroom.”

“Yuck,” Roberu said, even as Astel himself made a sound of disgust. He couldn’t believe he’d even _thought_ such a thing, much less said it aloud. It was not only repulsive, it was also some sort of betrayal towards Shien who’d been nothing but kind to him.

“Anyway, after the last place’s bottle incident, you’re touching him more often,” Roberu said. To his credit, he didn’t actually begin to pee like he’d suggested. Instead, he stood in place with his arms folded across his chest, his mismatched eyes focused on Astel. “Those guiding touches on his back? Leading him with a hand on his arm? Jokingly pulling him along by the hand? Leda, come on, what are you doing?”

“He’s not complaining,” Astel said. It wasn’t a defense, really. He was pretty sure Temma didn’t even notice what Astel was doing. With the way Temma’s brain worked sometimes -- if it even still worked at all, now that he seemed properly buzzed from alcohol -- he probably thought Astel was just being _friendly_. Or joking. Or both.

“Your funeral, Leda,” Roberu said, sighing. “I’m just doing what you and Shien asked me to do.”

“No, I know. I’ll stop,” Astel conceded, shaking his wet hands over the sink and walking over to the hand dryer. “Thanks.”

In retrospect, maybe even when he’d said the words, Astel should’ve known he was lying.

* * *

“I love you.”

The confession was abrupt and unplanned. Roberu had given Astel a warning look before they’d parted -- Astel and Temma apparently lived in the same direction while Roberu needed to go the other way -- and Astel had nodded back then in reassurance.

Apparently, even his nodding was a lie. The moment Temma had said goodnight, Astel had wanted to say goodnight back and instead a different set of words had spilled from his mouth.

_What the fuck is wrong with me?!_

Astel wanted to die the moment he’d said the words. He wanted the ground to open up and swallow him whole, a meteor to strike the spot he was standing and wipe out all sentient life on earth, an unlikely event of spontaneous combustion to happen--

Temma’s awkward laugh was usually so endearing but hearing it right then brought Astel back to reality with the sheer _pain_ it wrought him. He probably should’ve expected such a response -- Astel’s reputation was that of a troll and a liar, after all -- but perhaps a small and infinitely stupid part of him still had some sort of idealism in it. Some sort of fucking stupid goddamned _hope_.

What did he expect was going to happen, anyway? Of course this was going to be the outcome. Temma had Miyabi and was _happy_. He wasn’t even registering anyone else as a potential romance anymore. Temma was definitely the loyal type.

“Wait,” Temma began, the laugh cutting off abruptly. His eyes widened as he looked at Astel, and Astel struggled to remember how to rearrange his face into an expression that wasn’t-- well, he didn’t know what he looked like right now, just that he wasn’t smiling. “Did you really mean--”

“No,” Astel said quickly, and it took everything he had to force out a laugh and a shit-eating grin. “It was a joke. Goodnight, Temma.”

When Izuru asked him later that night how the SunTempo meet-up had gone, Astel had said it’d been perfect. There was nothing to worry about. He could salvage the situation, all he had to do was _commit_ to it. _Sell_ it. He’d message Temma he loved him so much until Temma would automatically register it as another one of Astel’s fucking jokes.

Sometimes, even the truth could be sold as a lie. It was just a matter of grit.

* * *

Temma had been right. When Miyabi really wanted to push their relationship forward, he did it. There was no preamble to it, no awkward flirting leading up to the big event. Over dinner at one of their dates, Miyabi had looked him in the eyes and said, in a tone that allowed for no arguments-- 

“We’ve having sex tonight.”

And Temma had said yes. Of course he had. He let Miyabi lead, and he tried to match the pace the other man had set between them. Miyabi was… different. In bed, it felt as if his personality was the complete opposite of what it was outside. He was dominant and loved to tease, often pushing Temma to the edge and leaving him there just to see how he’d react.

Temma wasn’t sure why it sometimes felt like Miyabi was torturing him on purpose. Was this an unvoiced request for Temma to do something in return? What did Miyabi want from him, exactly? Whenever he tried to ask directly, Miyabi just teased him in reply. It was frustrating.

The small feeling that he was doing something wrong -- something _off_ \-- in the relationship persisted, even as he tried everything he knew to push it away. Temma did research, he watched a few things, read some manga, and asked some of his other friends for advice on how to maintain the relationship. 

Temma tried to be sweet, he tried to be teasing, he tried many different things in many different ways, wanting to please Miyabi and appease that unspoken disappointment he could feel coming from his boyfriend.

“You should initiate more,” Aruran said when Temma brought it up to the older man and asked for advice. “Maybe he feels as if he’s putting in all the work and just doesn’t want to say it.”

Temma tried that, but his heart wasn’t in it. He wasn’t sure when it had started to become difficult. When going out on dates began to feel more like a chore he had to pencil into his schedule and when he had to start keeping little notes for himself on how to be a good boyfriend to Miyabi.

Outside of bed and when people were watching, it was still fine. Because Miyabi in public was different. That Miyabi was Temma’s best friend. The first one to actually see him and put him above all else. Kind, loving, and accepting of everything Temma was.

It was only on dates or when they were alone that it felt different. When Miyabi showed Temma more of his true self -- the part of Miyabi that demanded attention, that got jealous easily, and that seemed to have a bit of a sadistic streak in bed -- Temma found himself wishing sometimes that he’d never gone down this path. That they’d never changed or bothered to define what they were to each other.

But he stuck to it and persevered because he owed Miyabi so much for picking him out of everyone else. And it wasn’t like Miyabi was asking for unreasonable things. Everything they did was still in the bounds of what boyfriends did with each other.

Miyabi wasn’t the problem here, really. He was innocent. The problem was all Temma.

Because no matter how much Temma tried to tell himself to focus on his current relationship and try harder, his mind wandered to someone else when left alone for too long.

_I love you._

The words and the face of utter dismay Astel had made that night haunted him. It was the first time Astel had looked and sounded _honest_ . Nowadays, Astel seemed to be treating it like an ongoing joke between them, but Temma couldn’t play along so easily. He preferred saying things like _‘scary’_ or _‘not again’_ in reply, because he couldn’t say _‘I love you’_ back in a joking manner. Not to Astel.

For god’s sake, he couldn’t even say the words to Miyabi when they were alone. Not in a convincing way, at least, because he definitely didn’t love _that_ Miyabi. That was just the Miyabi he appeased so he could stay in the good graces of his best friend.

 _Tell me again properly, Astel_ , Temma wanted to say every time they interacted and he caught glimpses of the serious depth behind Astel’s chaotic online persona. _And give me a chance to answer._

* * *

“Have you considered that maybe some people make good friends and bad lovers?” Aruran was saying. In the background of their call, Temma could hear the older man preparing dinner.

He couldn’t remember when he’d started calling Aruran for advice like this and why -- maybe it was during one of those times when he was at his wits end with trying to come up with something to please Miyabi -- but it had turned into a comfortable enough routine for when he needed someone outside of his relationship to talk to.

Aruran’s views on everything were grounded and always made a logical sort of sense. Sometimes though -- like now -- he said things that Temma couldn’t quite accept.

“But, if I break-up with Miyabi, wouldn’t I lose him as a friend too?”

The thought was terrifying. It was like transferring to a new school or a new town after already building a life and setting down roots in another one. Temma didn’t think he could do it all over again -- and would anyone else even want to form a close relationship with him in that way?

 _Astel_ , his mind whispered. The thought was appealing, but Temma wasn’t really sure Astel would be willing because the other man seemed determined to keep him away at arm’s length lately.

“A lot of couples stay friends after an amicable break-up,” Aruran replied. “I think it’s worse to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy, but maybe that’s just me.”

“I’m not unhappy,” Temma said automatically, though his tone wavered a bit.

Was he unhappy? Was that what this feeling that had been bothering him was? The thing that had always seemed off between him and Miyabi, was that the sign that they shouldn’t have moved past being friends at all?

“Temma, you call me everyday now,” Aruran said gently. “If you were happy, you’d be calling Miyabi and enjoying your time with him, not wasting your time keeping an old man company as he cooks.”

“I’m not wasting my time. I like listening to you cook,” Temma said, raising a hand to rub at his temple. He could feel a headache coming on as he tried to parse Aruran’s words.

They made sense -- of course they did, because Aruran wasn’t the type of person who’d give Temma bad advice for serious things like this -- but at the same time--

He really was afraid. He’d thought he’d found his place at last, but now he was realizing he hadn’t. Not really. And now he had to start all over again.

Wouldn’t it be easier to just keep going on with his current relationship? Sure, it was difficult at times, but wouldn’t it be more difficult to try and work it out with someone else?

When he tried to explain his train of thought to Aruran, the older man made a thoughtful sound over the line.

“Look at it this way,” Aruran said finally after a long silence. His words were slow, like he was trying to pick them carefully. “If you don’t let Miyabi go, he won’t have a chance to find someone who can love him back -- all of him -- the way he deserves either.”

* * *

The off-collab was going to be hell on earth, but Astel couldn’t skip it because it was going to be filmed at the studio and technically it had been a brainchild between him and Rikka. A karaoke stream with five members like they’d done before, but this time Temma had indicated that he was free.

Astel didn’t know what to do to prepare for it, and he was seriously scared that he’d slip and mess things up again in person.

He couldn’t take having to commit to one more lie if he fucked up again. The ones he was trying to maintain were hard enough on him. He was coming apart and the shabby strings he was using to hold himself together were fading away into nothing the longer it went on.

He was breaking and he knew it, but he couldn’t look away. He watched Miyabi and Temma be _happy_ together on stream and he _hated_ them. No, the truth was he loved them -- he loved every Holostar and considered them his found family -- so he hated himself more for being too weak to let go. To choose their happiness above his own.

He desperately tried to distract himself. Forcefully pushed past his own limits and did multiple endurance streams. Threw himself into things that he knew he wasn’t ready for and tried to bulldoze his way through anyway. He sang, he spent all his money on impulse purchases, he did everything he could to keep himself afloat from the emotions threatening to drown him.

He didn’t feel like resting. Because everytime he did, he was pulled back into the cycle of thoughts of how much he didn’t like what was happening and how much he couldn’t do anything about it.

He looked away. And even when he couldn’t, he thought he was doing well keeping up his strong, unbreakable facade. No one but his close friends knew what he was truly feeling. It was all okay.

But in person, in an off-collab, he wouldn’t have any of these to fall back on. He wouldn’t be able to distract himself. He wouldn’t be able to lie. He wouldn’t--

He desperately needed a drink.

* * *

“With the amount of times you come over, it’s like you’re competing with Shien,” Roberu complained, placing the glass of alcohol in front of Astel and watching as he downed it in all in one gulp.

“At least you have a customer,” Astel pointed out with a bitter laugh. “This place is practically empty all the time anyway. You have like what? Five regulars? And none of them are even here now.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Roberu said, sighing. He didn’t pour Astel another glass. Instead, he leaned forward on the counter, his weight resting on his elbows as he dropped his voice to a more serious tone. “You need to pull yourself together, Leda. This can’t go on. You’ll break.”

“I’m trying,” Astel replied, burying his face in his hands and letting out a groan of frustration. “And I was doing well but then the off-collab--”

“If that was ‘ _doing well_ ’ then I’m the Queen of England,” Roberu snorted. “And anyway-- oh. There you are. Comfort your friend about the off-collab. I’m busy.”

Shien’s laughter was soft and teasing. “Busy with what? You don’t have customers.”

Astel lowered his hands from his face just as Shien came to stand beside where he was sitting. Roberu leaned in to press a quick kiss to Shien’s lips -- these two were seriously too domestic together, it was amazing no one else had figured it out yet from just watching them talk to each other -- before he moved back and smiled. The change in his mood was palpable, like that simple action had brightened up his day instantly.

“Don’t be mean to Robe-chan,” Roberu said with a laugh. “You’re breaking his tiny little heart.”

“What heart?” Shien replied without missing a beat. He slid into the chair beside Astel and reached out a hand to rub at Astel’s back soothingly. “Astel, you okay?”

“He’s never okay.”

“Was I talking to you? Shut up,” Shien said, but his tone when he said it was sweet. He leaned in to the touch when Roberu reached out to run fingers through his hair and scratch gently at his ears. “Go mix a drink or something.”

“Oh, now you’re sending me away? That’s not what you were begging me to do last night.”

“Robe--”

“I really love you two,” Astel said, laughing a little. Despite the mess his emotions were in, being around this couple cheered him up immensely. They were so cute to watch and so fun to tease. “If I were to pick a new family, Shien would be my mama and Robe-chan would be my papa.”

“Wait why am I the mama?” Shien complained even as Roberu broke out into a laugh that was both pleasant to hear and a bit infectious.

“Because Roberu can’t cook,” Astel explained, grinning. “And Shien is much sweeter.”

“Okay, okay, that’s a low blow. I can totally be sweet,” Roberu said, pretending he was offended as he wagged a finger at Astel. “Apologize to your papa, you shitty brat.”

“Why are we going along with this?” Shien asked, laughing just the same. He moved his hand from Astel’s back to pat him on the head instead. “And anyway, we love you too. Now, what’s the problem with the off-collab?”

* * *

When Temma walked into the studio room two hours early and greeted everyone, the rest of the members he was meant to collaborate with were already there. Shien and Roberu were fiddling with their microphones, Rikka was practicing a few chords on his guitar, and Astel--

Astel was bent over his electone, his expression serious as he seemed to be trying to play one of the songs they were meant to sing. He looked up when Temma walked in and immediately glanced away, his answering greeting barely audible.

Temma made his way towards Astel, determined to start a proper conversation with the other man. He didn’t know about what, exactly, just that he wanted -- needed -- to talk to Astel in person. There were things he needed to clear up with the other man, and based on experience, it was better to have these kinds of conversations face-to-face.

Because even Temma could tell by now that Astel guarded his heart like a dragon guarding his hoard, and his personal walls were impossible to breach online due to the many ways he could run away or lie.

“Astel,” he called out when he got close, completely missing the fact that everyone else in the room had stopped what they were doing to watch him. “Can we talk?”

“No,” Astel said, punctuating the sentence by pressing down on a key that made a deep sound. There was a second of silence -- wherein Astel seemed to suck in a deep breath -- before he looked at Temma and flashed a bright smile. “I’m joking. What is it, Temma?”

“Uh,” Temma said. Now that Astel was looking at him -- smiling at him -- he was hit by a sudden wave of _want_. In the weeks he hadn’t seen Astel, somehow he’d forgotten how attractive the other man really was. It was strange, since he thought about Astel everyday, but Temma was already past understanding what the hell he was trying to do with his life.

This was all new to him. He couldn’t remember a single time in the past when he’d felt like this for someone. It wasn’t comfortable. In fact, it was actually the worst feeling in his life. He wanted to rip his heart out and stomp on it just to make it stop hurting. 

Was this what it felt like to want something that was _right there_ and yet out of reach?

“Maybe we should practice a few of the songs,” Shien said firmly, approaching them. His eyes on Temma were wary, and he seemed ready to stand in between Astel and Temma bodily if need be. Roberu was only a few steps behind Shien, and even Rikka had risen to his feet, looking a bit confused at what was happening but seemingly ready to intervene just the same.

Temma felt a little bit jealous about the strength of the bonds between them, and he was once again reminded that the only person he had was Miyabi. And yet Miyabi was _wrong_ for him. He needed to leave Miyabi, but he didn’t want to do it -- he was too scared to do it still -- if Astel no longer had any feelings for him.

He needed to know it was worth it to destroy his life for Astel. Because he wasn’t brave enough to do it without a safety net, even if he knew it was for the best.

“Astel, do you still love me?” Temma blurted out, wanting to phrase it better, but unable to come up with anything so quickly when everyone seemed determined to get in his way. “When you confessed last time, I couldn’t answer, so I’d like to hear it again.”

“What?!” Rikka said in the background, even as Shien and Roberu seemed to curse Temma in unison.

Astel’s mouth fell open and his eyes were wide for one second and then two--

“I-- Ihavetogotothebathroom,” Astel said, the words practically garbled together in his haste to get them out. He got up, practically ran to the door, and then left.

Temma made to follow immediately, but Shien and Roberu were standing in his way, the former asking him _what the hell did he think he was doing_ while the latter seemed torn between hysterical laughter -- _Kishido, you are something else_ \-- and echoing whatever Shien was saying. Rikka was asking for an explanation, and Shinove burst in from the staff room to ask where Astel had run off to.

It was chaos.

* * *

Astel walked rapidly down the hallway, keeping his head down and letting parts of his hair obscure his face as he tried to keep his emotions in check for at least a few more minutes.

He shouldn’t have come. Should’ve made up an excuse. Should’ve gotten sick. Should’ve done something, anything, to avoid putting himself in a situation he had already suspected he wouldn’t be able to handle in his already weakened emotional state.

But he hadn’t. He’d made the stupid fucking mistake of thinking he could do this. Had lied to himself enough about his strength that he’d actually believed -- for one goddamned second -- that he was strong enough to smile through the absolute fucking mess his emotions were.

He wasn’t. It had been too soon. He’d made some miscalculations and had worn himself down too much. Maybe if he’d slept more, meditated, or tried harder _somehow_ \--

God, but he wanted so badly to be strong. To be enough. And everyone had been so supportive and he didn’t want to let them down, so he thought he could--

“Astel!”

 _Fuck_.

Temma’s voice was coming from somewhere behind him and Astel knew the correct -- the _expected_ \-- course of action was for him to turn around, slap a smile onto his face, make some kind of asinine joke about toilets or whatever, and pretend he was okay.

He couldn’t. 

He stopped walking, taking a deep breath and steeling himself for the attempt, but the moment he felt Temma getting close, he realized with a sinking feeling in his gut -- fuck did he really _hate_ himself right now for not being able to do such a _simple_ fucking thing -- that he couldn’t do it.

This was one lie he just couldn’t manage to sell to his audience. Not right now.

“So--sorry! I need to-- I’ll be back in a bit!” he tried anyway, not really caring anymore that his voice had cracked at the attempt. He’d deal with that later. Lie properly about that later. _Fix it_ later. For now, he really had to get away.

He felt Temma’s fingertips brush against his shoulder, but that was all the contact he allowed before he ran.

* * *

Temma’s heart was pounding. Every single part of him was tense, like he was gearing up for a fight. He’d had to physically shove his way through his friends and his manager -- saying he’d explain everything later -- and now he was full of adrenaline. It made him feel stupidly energetic -- or violent, or horny, he couldn’t seem to decide which it was in the vibrant haze of his own emotions -- and so he caught up to Astel in no time at all.

To his credit, Astel ran _fast_ . It was just that Temma was _faster_.

Seconds after Astel had ducked into the bathroom, Temma caught the door before it shut and followed him in. Astel whirled around, his eyes wide and brimming with multiple emotions that Temma wasn’t calm enough to pause and identify individually at that particular moment.

The only emotion he recognized on sight was _fear_.

He kicked the door shut behind him and moved forward, hands already outstretched to maybe try and calm down Astel before the other man found a way to bolt away again.

“Astel--”

Astel was shaking slightly and he looked away when Temma spoke, green eyes frantically scanning the area and seemingly looking for a way to escape. His breathing was uneven, like he’d run a marathon instead of a few meters, and his voice, when he finally spoke, came out in a pleading whisper.

“Go away,” Astel said, sucking in a deep breath and closing his eyes as he seemed to be trying to prepare himself for a confrontation. His arms folded across his chest tightly -- a defensive position -- and when he opened his eyes again, he sounded a bit like he was pleading. “Please. Temma. I-- I just need a-- a moment. We can talk later.”

Temma didn’t know why he found the sight attractive, but he did. Something about the sight of Astel looking vulnerable -- because he’d never seen Astel like this, and hadn’t ever imagined it possible -- triggered an instinct in Temma to protect.

He wanted to hold Astel close and soothe him. He wanted to feel the slight form of the other man in his arms collapsing into his embrace. He wanted--

“Why are you still here?” Astel muttered, looking and sounding distraught. He unfolded his arms, and made to push past Temma towards the door.

Temma caught him with a hand around Astel’s upper arm as he tried to walk past. Like this, Astel felt so fragile. Like Temma could squeeze a little bit harder, and the other man would shatter. “Astel, what’s wrong?”

Astel didn’t answer. He tugged his arm free of Temma’s grip and stubbornly made his way towards the door. Temma had no choice -- or maybe he did, but at that moment, it felt like there was no other course of action -- but to slam the door closed with a hand planted right beside Astel’s head.

Astel jumped a little. He’d gotten the door open a mere inch when Temma had moved, and it seemed as if he hadn’t expected such a violent response coming from behind him. He stilled then and looked down at his feet, all the fight seemingly going out of him as he let out a loud exhalation.

“Why can’t you just go?” Astel asked quietly, his voice breaking. He sniffled a little after the sentence, his hands coming up to cover his face. His shoulders shook and Temma reached out with both hands to turn Astel around so he could see.

He received no resistance this time. Astel didn’t even tense when Temma gently pulled his hands away from his face. Temma saw Astel at his weakest then, face flushed, eyes watery with tears that even at that moment continued to fall.

It was beautiful.

Maybe there was something wrong with Temma, but something about the sight of Astel crying in front of him made him want to kiss the other man senseless.

Astel sniffled, looking away to the side as his mouth seemed fixed into a permanent frown. It looked wrong on his face. Just like the Astel Temma had in front of him now seemed like a puppet whose strings had been cut, all pretense of individual strength finally abandoned.

“What’s wrong?” Temma asked again, his hands now reaching out to cup Astel’s cheeks. There was a slight flinch as their skin made contact, but Astel didn’t pull away completely. Temma gently brushed the pads of his thumbs against the sides of Astel’s eyes. It didn’t wipe away the tears at all -- because more kept falling every time Astel blinked -- and in fact seemed to make things worse.

“Nothing,” Astel whispered, and it was obvious that even just a single word had taken a lot out of him to say. 

Temma brushed away even more tears, inwardly trying to fight his own instincts to pull Astel close and just embrace him until he’d cried this -- whatever this was that was causing such a breakdown -- all out of his system. Temma didn’t think it had been his question, not really. This was too extreme a reaction for that.

He lost the fight not even a minute in, and Astel made a small, shocked sound that was lost in Temma’s clothes at the action.

Astel was warm, soft, and he was trembling. Holding him like this, Temma realized how well the other man fit into his arms, and how much he didn’t want to pull away. Unlike when Temma hugged anyone else -- wherein there was always a point where it got uncomfortable and he wanted to pull away -- embracing Astel was something he felt like he could do forever.

Astel didn’t quite hug back, but he seemed to be alright with Temma grasping him tightly like he was a fleeting dream that would disappear if he was let go. His hands were gripping the sides of Temma’s shirt, clenching and unclenching like he couldn’t decide whether he wanted to pull Temma even closer or push him away.

Temma bent his head, pressing his face into Astel’s hair, breathing in the soft scent of his shampoo, and wondering why everything about Astel at this moment felt _right_ to him. Like the final piece of a puzzle he’d been solving all his life. He adjusted his grip, holding Astel even tighter, and pressing a kiss to the other man’s hair before he could stop himself.

“Fucking playboy,” Astel muttered into Temma’s shirt. He pulled back a bit and Temma loosened his grip so he could look directly into Astel’s tear-stained face.

_Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful. I want him. I want to take care of him. He should be mine._

Temma’s thoughts were completely unhelpful. His libido was on the verge of taking over the longer they stood here like this, but at the same time, he never wanted the moment to end.

Astel cleared his throat, met Temma’s eyes for a brief moment, and then he seemed to lose his nerve. His gaze dropped down to fixate on the material of Temma’s shirt instead. His voice, when he spoke, was quiet, but he seemed to have regained enough of his calm to carry on some semblance of conversation.

“You know, Temma, you shouldn’t--” His grip on Temma’s shirt tightened and Temma felt the material stretch in Astel’s fists. “--shouldn’t touch people in that way -- kiss their hair and hug them like you give a shit -- when you really fucking _don’t_.” 

There was anger in the tone, but there was also pain. Astel made a face like he wanted to say something more, but then he seemed to let it go. He sighed and moved out of Temma’s embrace, taking a few steps back and lifting his head to narrow his eyes.

Temma was fascinated and wanted so badly to kiss him, but he knew it was the wrong moment to do so, so he tried to talk instead. “Astel, of course I care about--”

“No,” Astel interrupted harshly, and it seemed like he was gaining strength now -- pulling determination from who knew where -- like Temma always believed he could. Astel had always been strong, sometimes the fire just took a while to kick in.

Or maybe this was the last spark of an already dying fire. One last ditch resistance, so Astel could say, in the end, that he had _tried_ not to fuck things up again.

“You know how I feel about you,” Astel said angrily. “You know I love you. You gave me your answer -- you fucking laughed in my _face_ , Temma. There was no need to _humiliate_ me in front of everyone. I get it, okay? You don’t want me in that way, and I don’t want to fuck up your goddamned perfect life either, so can you just--”

“Astel,” Temma said, stepping closer. He reached out a hand to grasp the other man’s chin firmly, and tilted it up. “Say it one more time. Let me answer you again.”

“No!”

“Are you afraid of the answer?”

“You can’t do this,” Astel said, and he sounded like he was being torn to pieces trying to get the words out. The tears wouldn’t stop falling now. “Stop fucking with me, Temma! I’m trying my best to get out of the way and--”

Temma didn’t bother using his words to counter Astel this time. Instead, he bent his head and kissed him.

* * *

Astel tried to push Temma away, he really did. There was a part inside of him that was screaming his resistance even as the rest of him couldn’t really follow through. He wanted this -- of course he did, because he was a weak and twisted individual who couldn’t even leave an established couple alone properly -- and so he let it happen after a few seconds, all the fight finally leaving him.

He was tired of trying to be strong. Tired of trying to lie. Whatever Temma was trying to get across -- whatever the hell all this fucking meant -- Astel didn’t care anymore.

If this was what Temma wanted, he’d give it. He was done trying to understand. If Temma actually cared for him, great. If this was just some weird sexual fetish of Temma’s that had been triggered by the sight of Astel’s tears, then that was fine too.

He’d let Temma break him. Maybe that would finally make Temma happy. Maybe it would even be enough penance for how much Miyabi would be hurt by Astel’s complete and utter inability to remove himself from the fucking picture.

Temma nipped at his bottom lip and Astel opened his mouth, his eyes closing as Temma deepened the kiss hungrily. He kissed back slowly -- not having the energy for anything else -- and for the most part let Temma take whatever he wanted. 

Even when Temma’s lips moved to his neck -- sucking greedily at the flesh there -- Astel simply tilted his head to give more access.

For the first time in a long time, Astel found peace in surrender.

* * *

Temma stopped the moment Astel let out a tired sigh. His lips were on Astel’s neck -- he hadn’t been able to resist -- but he realized at that moment that his partner in this activity wasn’t exactly participating.

He pulled back, remembering all at once where they were and what they’d been talking about. His hands brushed at the tear tracks on Astel’s cheeks, trying to soothe despite having the suspicion that he was the cause of all of Astel’s pain.

“Sorry,” Temma murmured quietly. “I think I did this all wrong…”

He should’ve broken up with Miyabi first. And then he could pursue Astel whole-heartedly, and maybe then Astel would look at him with happiness instead of with this incredibly sad expression on his pretty face.

“It’s okay,” Astel said, reaching up with his own hands to cover Temma’s own. He closed his eyes briefly and leaned into Temma’s touch before he let go and stepped away.

Astel swiped at his own cheeks, walking past Temma to grab a wad of tissue paper to aid with his attempt to fix his appearance. Temma stood where he’d been left, following Astel with his eyes and wondering what he could say to fix things between them. It felt like everything Temma touched was ruined. Maybe he just wasn’t cut out for relationships.

“Astel, I think I should’ve started with this, but… I love you too.”

Temma didn’t know what he expected to hear in return, exactly, but he did know it wasn’t the softly whispered words he got back from Astel.

“I wish I could say I believe you,” Astel said, his expression solemn. “But right now, Temma, it just sounds like a lie you’re saying to make me feel better.”

Temma didn’t deny it. He couldn’t. Not yet, at least. He would have to do a few things first before he could say the words again with confidence.

If Astel couldn’t believe in his words, maybe his actions would suffice.

* * *

Shinove took one look at Astel's face and let out a loud sigh. He adjusted his glasses, closed his eyes for a moment, and sighed again, like the weight of the world had dropped back down on his shoulders. 

"Sorry," Astel said quietly. He didn't try to explain. He felt too drained now to even talk about it. "I'll-- I'll make it up to you. I'll stream--"

"You know," Shinove interrupted in a kind tone. There was a small and tired smile on his lips, and Astel was a little bit surprised there was no sign of annoyance or even pity on his expression. "I care about you boys more than I care about the company's margins."

Astel didn't answer. He'd known, of course. Shinove had always gone to bat for them against the company, even if privately the Holostars manager had many things to say about his charges' bad habits. But hearing it said out loud like this when he was already falling apart just seemed to bring more tears to Astel's eyes. 

He blinked and brought his hands up to swipe away at them. He sniffled and tried to look away, but then Shinove was in front of him and handing him a handkerchief. 

"You're such an old man," Astel choked out a laugh, taking the handkerchief anyway and wiping at his eyes with it. "I stopped carrying these around years ago."

"Just say thank you like a normal person, Astel," Shinove replied, but he let out a short laugh just the same. 

"Since when was I normal?" Astel retorted with a tired smile.

"Good point," Shinove nodded with an exasperated laugh. He reached out a hand and squeezed Astel's shoulder warmly. "Anyway, go home and rest. We'll just reschedule. If you need to take a vacation--"

"If I leave now, I don't think I'll make it back."

Shinove's eyes narrowed and for the first time, Astel saw the steel behind his manager's usually easy-going personality. Was this the kind of Shinove that people saw when he fought for them?

“Scratch that, don’t go home alone,” Shinove said firmly. “I’m sending Shien with you.”

* * *

Temma was being verbally berated by Shien for ‘ _asking Astel such an insensitive question and triggering this whole thing_ ’ when Astel finally re-emerged from the staff room with Shinove. There was a moment of silence and they all listened as Shinove gave instructions for when they’d reschedule.

“Shien, accompany Astel home please,” Shinove said when he was done talking about the new plan for their karaoke session. “And maybe you can stay with him for a bit…”

The way Shinove had trailed off was telling. Shien shot Temma a glare and looked like he was about to start another rant.

“Don’t be mad at Temma,” Astel said softly, and through the protesting sound Shien made-- “He tried to comfort me. I was having issues with something unrelated. It’s not his fault.”

“Astel--” Shien started, but Roberu put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed, causing Shien to fall silent.

“Let’s go,” Roberu said, walking towards where Astel was and throwing an arm around the smaller man’s shoulders. “How’d you like to stop by my place first, huh, Leda-chan? Drinks are on me, of course.”

“Mm. Looking forward to it,” Astel replied. He leaned into Roberu, and Temma felt a little bit jealous that it wasn’t him giving Astel comfort. But he had no right to do that, at least not yet. “Bye bye, everyone. Sorry about this.”

Rikka and Shinove assured Astel that it was okay. Temma tried to say something similar, but found that words were escaping him at the moment. Instead, he just watched silently as Roberu led Astel out the door.

Shien sighed and shook his head, his gaze now back on Temma. He was no longer glaring, but Temma could feel the frustration in the way Shien was looking at him.

“I’ll let this go,” Shien said at last. “Because you’re my friend too and sometimes things like this happen. But next time, be more careful about how you talk to people, okay?”

Temma nodded. What else could he say? If he apologized now, it’d be like admitting that Astel was lying when he’d said it wasn’t Temma’s fault.

Shien nodded back and then left the room, presumably to follow Roberu and Astel. Shinove let out a loud sigh and then waved a goodbye at Rikka and Temma as he made his way back to the staff room.

When Shinove was gone, Rikka cleared his throat, drawing Temma’s gaze with the sound.

“Alright,” Rikka said, his tone calm. He had a gentle smile on his lips and there was no judgement in his eyes at all. “Do you want to fill me in on what really happened?”

* * *

Rikka had offered to accompany Temma on his quest to break-up with Miyabi since he was free the whole day anyway due to the cancelled karaoke.

Temma hadn’t wanted to delay things anymore than he already had -- he’d done enough damage to everyone he cared about, in his opinion -- and had decided to drop by Miyabi’s place right after leaving the studio.

He explained everything to Rikka as they travelled, and the other man had listened intently, asking questions every now and then when he needed something clarified.

“Fear makes people stupid,” Rikka said when Temma was finally done pouring his heart out. Rikka was looking out the train window, his gaze distant as if he were seeing something else rather than the scenery they were passing. “Unfortunately, the only solution to fear is to face it head-on. You have to leave things that make you unhappy, even if that means you’ll be alone afterwards.”

“I’ve already decided to leave him,” Temma said, sighing. “I’ll accept the consequences, whatever they are. Even if I lose all my friends, I have to make things right.”

“You won’t lose your friends,” Rikka assured, looking away from the window to smile at Temma. “Or at least you won’t lose me. Though I suspect the one you really don’t want to lose is Astel.”

 _Astel._ The memory of Astel’s lips finally parting beneath his had been tainted by the saltiness of the other man’s tears. No matter how attractive it was when Astel was crying, Temma realized now that he much preferred it when Astel was laughing instead.

“Yes,” Temma said belatedly, when he realized that Rikka was waiting for an answer. “I need to fix things between us too. After I break-up with Miyabi--”

“With Astel, I think you need to give him a little bit of time first,” Rikka said, and there was a knowing look in his eyes that made Temma wonder briefly what sort of terrible love stories Rikka had been through in his life. “When you’ve spent a long time thinking someone doesn’t love you, them just saying the words or breaking up with their current partner won’t convince you. It’ll seem like a trick. You’ll just end up waiting for the hammer to fall. The belief is too deep to be washed away so quickly.”

“Rikka--”

“I’ll watch him and let you know when I think you can make a move,” Rikka assured. “Trust me. You don’t want to force things with him right now.”

“Okay,” Temma said reluctantly. Maybe it was fitting that he would be the one to wait this time. After all, how long had he been hurting Astel? The other man’s words back at the studio had seemed drawn from a deep well of pain, so it must’ve been quite some time indeed.

Rikka made a sound of approval. “And now, maybe we should go over what you plan to say to Miyabi? I hope you weren’t planning to just tell him you cheated on him.”

* * *

Miyabi didn’t cry at first. In fact, he took it quite well. Maybe it was because Rikka was there watching, so he couldn’t actually show the side of him that Temma had encountered way too often when they were alone.

“I-- I think I knew anyway. That you loved him,” Miyabi said after Temma had delivered his speech. As advised by Rikka, Temma hadn’t mentioned the cheating, but he did mention he had fallen in love with Astel somewhere along the way. Miyabi deserved the truth, but not every last detail. Temma didn’t want to drive the knife further in than it already was in the redhead’s heart.

“How? What do you mean?” Temma asked, furrowing his brow in confusion. How could Miyabi have known something Temma hadn’t even been sure of himself until today?

“Temma, there are only three responses to that sort of devotion,” Miyabi said, a small and bitter laugh spilling from his lips. “You either ignore it, find it suffocating and hate it, or you welcome it into your life and want more of it.”

“I don’t understand,” Temma said, glancing sideways to Rikka for help. The other man simply smiled, like he knew what Miyabi was talking about.

Why the hell did everyone in this group seem to have more experience than Temma at everything?

“Why do you think I was always so aggressive whenever the two of you interacted?” Miyabi continued. He raised a hand to pinch at the bridge of his nose as he sighed. “I could see you slipping away from me real-time, Temma. But everything I did to keep you with me just seemed to drive you farther away.”

“Miyabi, I’m sorry,” Temma said, frowning. If what Miyabi was saying was true, then Temma had been hurting him too all this time.

Had he done absolutely nothing right in this life these past few months?!

“No, I’m sorry,” Miyabi said, and that was when his voice broke. He sniffled, a hand coming up to swipe away the few tears that had managed to slip from his eyes. “I knew from the start that you saw me as a best friend and nothing more, but I thought if I showed you how good it could be, you’d change your mind and--”

“Miyabi, I-- I can--” Temma was about to say he could stay in the relationship. If he was going to make Miyabi cry like this, he didn’t think he could really go through with the break-up after all. Astel would probably understand and even agree--

“Stop it,” Miyabi said, his tone suddenly commanding. Here was the Miyabi that Temma usually only saw in private. He reached out a hand to flick Temma’s forehead, hard.

“Ow!”

“The way you’re so easily swayed is both annoying and endearing,” Miyabi said, sighing. His tears had dried up quickly and now he only looked exasperated. “Endearing, because you’d do anything I say, and _annoying_ because I know you don’t do it because you _want_ to. You just do it to make me happy.”

“Well--”

“Do you think some half-assed affection satisfied me?” Miyabi asked sharply, raising an eyebrow at Temma. “I kept waiting for you to do something with your whole heart in it, but it seems like the only person who’ll get to see that is _Astel_. Damned lucky alien.”

“Miyabi--” Temma tried again. His mind was spinning. So it wasn’t just his paranoia?! Miyabi had been disappointed in him from the start?!

“Enough,” Miyabi said, sighing. “Alright, we’ve broken up. Don’t worry, we’re still friends. I don’t think I can let an idiot like you out of my sight for long, anyway.”

Temma gaped for a second -- surprised at how this whole thing had turned out -- and then squeaked out a thank you.

“Don’t thank me, I’m still kinda mad that I didn’t win in the end. And against that short and noisy little shit too,” Miyabi said, folding his arms across his chest and letting out an irritated huff. “I swear, Temma, if you and Astel don’t end up deliriously happy after all this, I’m going to steal you back, so you’d better be on your toes.”

“Maybe you should just find someone who can love you properly, Miyabi,” Rikka suggested when all Temma could do was stare in surprise. Temma had known that Miyabi had a side of him that was like this, of course, but he’d never seen it out in the open so blatantly before. And in front of Rikka, no less.

“Fine, I’ll do that,” Miyabi said, a smirk forming on his lips. “Are you available, Rikka?”

“No,” Rikka said, laughing softly. “Maybe try Aruran instead?”

* * *

Astel’s sudden absence from Temma’s life was more noticeable than he’d expected it to be. There were no messages, no little jokes, no teasing remarks. Nothing. Astel also seemed to be using invisibility settings on their Discord, and had stopped talking in the general channel.

The silence between them was unbearable. It was suffocating. It felt like someone had their hand around Temma’s neck and was squeezing ever so slowly. He still had air -- he could still function and go through the motions of his daily life -- but he was running out.

Up until that moment, he hadn’t realized how much Astel had seeped into his life. How much he’d looked forward to the multiple daily messages, no matter how random their contents had been. How much he was always secretly waiting for Astel to appear in his chat and reveal he’d been watching all along.

Temma wanted to message Astel, but Rikka had said to give the other man space. He’d obliged, but watching Astel interact with everyone else -- even _Miyabi_ \-- was killing Temma a little bit at a time.

He found himself playing games that he knew Astel liked, trying to lure the other man out while at the same time not disobeying Rikka’s instructions. Astel was streaming rapidly nowadays, doing back-to-back streams and twitcasts like he didn’t need sleep. Temma was concerned and he tried to message Shien about it, but the answer he received in return did nothing to help.

 _He’ll be fine_ , Shien said. _He’s just trying to destress._

Temma wondered why Astel ‘destressing’ felt more like Astel shattering into a million little pieces that no one would be able to put back together. The other man was all over the place, his moods swinging from crazy to emotional multiple times in one day. Temma tried to catch all of Astel’s streams, but it was difficult -- not because their timeslots clashed, but because when he watched Astel, it was too painful.

No one ever wanted to see someone they loved destroy themselves.

* * *

Rikka made Temma wait until Astel seemed to have worn himself out. The streams went down to a reasonable enough amount that Temma could imagine Astel actually getting sleep in between them.

“You can try now,” Rikka said, right after a stream wherein Astel tried to give advice and help his viewers through their troubles. He’d seemed okay in that stream -- mature and thoughtful, but still with a little bit of his brand of crazy -- that even Temma had felt like it was the right time to reinitiate contact. “But tread carefully. Making a mistake at this point will set you back severely.”

* * *

_Astel_ , Temma typed out, his hands shaking slightly with nervousness. It was only a message on Discord, but he didn’t know why it was so difficult -- maybe because Rikka’s warning about making a mistake had been so severe. _I miss you._

He stared at the words for a long time, waiting. Nothing came for hours and it hurt so much that Temma didn’t know what to do with himself. Was this how Astel had felt all the time before? How had he even survived months of this feeling? Temma was struggling to breathe and it’d just been a _week_.

There was finally movement on the screen, an indicator that Astel was typing. Temma found himself holding his breath.

_I’m right here, Temma._

_No, you’re not_ . _Not in the way I want you to be,_ Temma replied instantly, his heart in his throat as he typed the words. _Can we meet?_

He didn’t receive a reply again.

* * *

“He keeps playing APEX,” Izuru’s disgust was palpable on the call, even if they were doing audio only this time. “He’s trying to lure you out. Don’t get tempted.”

“Yes, I know,” Astel replied. He sighed, wondering what he was supposed to do about the situation now. He’d heard about the break-up between Temma and Miyabi, even while he’d been busy trying to drive himself to a point wherein he didn’t need to think anymore.

He’d wanted to forget everything, wanted to always be in a state wherein he was focused on something else and _not Temma_. Not what had happened at the studio. Not how he’d failed at everything he’d set out to do.

Of course, his friends hadn’t let him do that. They were always there, pulling him back from the edge and keeping him grounded to reality. Roberu and Shien really took to their roles as his ‘parents’ seriously, checking up on him daily and sometimes bodily dragging him to bed so he could sleep. Izuru had even managed a visit despite the sheer distance and the amount of hours he’d had to travel just to make sure Astel was still alive and alright.

The other Holostars were present too, and even Miyabi seemed keen to prove that their friendship wasn’t affected, engaging Astel in banter even when Temma wasn’t there to witness it this time.

It was only Temma he wasn’t talking to, save for that one message he couldn’t resist replying to because he’d had an image in his mind of Temma actually being sad about it. A part of Astel still didn’t believe it was possible that Temma would be affected by anything he did at all, so it was a constant struggle for him as he tried to distinguish between what was real and what was just his mind playing tricks on him.

Temma really did say he loved Astel, didn’t he? Or had that been something Astel had made up to make himself feel better?

He wasn’t sure anymore. The lines had blurred between his lies and the truth.

He’d already broken.

* * *

Temma finally succeeded in drawing Astel out, but it hadn’t been on purpose. Well, the game he’d played had been on purpose -- APEX, because he was still holding out hope that it would tempt Astel enough -- but the situation that had drawn Astel out had been a cheater.

The other man had commented in chat -- _that’s a cheater_ \-- and though the words were so mundane, so stupid, so useless, Temma found that they brought him immense relief.

Astel still watched him. Astel still cared somehow.

Temma still had a chance.

He sent the message quickly enough, inviting Astel to help him rank up. The other man had agreed with a simple thumbs-up emoticon, but even when he’d accepted the voice call, he’d stayed muted. 

Temma wasn’t sure how to deal with it. He tried to keep talking, and tried to follow Astel’s lead in-game, but he couldn’t get a proper read on the situation. Astel seemed to be helping him, but their communication with each other seriously needed some work. There were times when Astel would take a while to indicate that he was ready for a match, and Temma was torn between being thankful that Astel even bothered to join him or frustrated that the other man wasn’t talking at all.

The silence was deafening, and a big part of that was because it was _Astel_ playing _APEX_. This was just wrong.

 _Astel, please_ , Temma typed out, not knowing what he’d say even as his fingers moved over the keyboard. In the end, it seemed honesty won out. _I need you._

Astel unmuted himself, but at first there was only silence. Temma thought for a moment that this really was hopeless after all, but then Astel finally began to talk. The conversation was slow at first, like they were feeling their way around each other all over again, but in time they fell into a steady rhythm.

It was different this time, though. There was a softness to Astel’s voice as he spoke, like he was afraid to overdo it. Or maybe he was just tired. It was hard to tell. Temma would’ve tried harder to coax Astel out of his shell, but he was conscious of Rikka’s warnings and he didn’t want to accidentally do or say something that would push Astel away again.

So they played, and eventually, they seemed to find a comfortable pace between them. It was nice. Pleasant. A different dynamic than what their friendship had been like before everything. Temma knew he shouldn’t be thinking too much about it, but while he watched Astel play -- during one of the matches where Temma himself had died early -- his mind wandered. He listened to Astel’s calm explanation of tips regarding the game, his subdued laughs when Temma managed to make a joke land, and the rare moments when the chaotic Astel seemed to shine through.

He listened, watched, and dreamed.

There was nothing romantic about APEX at all, but Temma managed to conjure up a fantasy from it anyway. Days spent with Astel like this… even if they ended up doing nothing but sitting in silence together, Temma wanted them desperately. He’d take whatever Astel could give him. 

For once, Temma had found a goal he wanted to work towards, and he was determined to see it through to the end.

He wondered if it would be okay now if he tried again. The words he’d said back then, would Astel believe them now?

* * *

Astel fell ill hours after he’d helped Temma -- of course he did, because what he’d been doing to himself hadn’t been sustainable from the onset, and he’d really pushed himself to make Temma happy for maybe just one more time, no matter how much being around Temma _ruined_ him -- and could only barely manage a tweet to apologize to his viewers for having to cancel his planned stream.

His phone rang seconds later, with Shien on the other end sounding almost hysterical -- Astel really wasn’t sure what he’d done to deserve such good friends, but he was thankful just the same -- and ordering him to keep the door unlocked so they could come over and check on him.

Astel mumbled out an agreement, stumbling his way to the door despite the pain in his head that felt like it was about to crack his skull in two. He wasn’t sure if he’d managed Shien’s request in the end because his vision wasn’t all that great -- maybe drinking a lot of alcohol to gain liquid courage to face Temma hadn’t been a valid strategy, after all -- and he felt simultaneously like he was going to vomit and pass out.

 _At what point will I stop fucking up?_ Astel thought to himself, feeling his reality shift beneath his feet. The door was somewhere in front of him but he couldn’t remember if he’d been going to it to unlock it or if he’d already done that and was just trying to make his way back to bed. His phone was vibrating in his hand and even when he squinted at the letters showing the caller’s name, he couldn’t make them out -- like he’d lost the ability to read all of a sudden.

He pressed the answer button anway -- wait, but hadn’t he just been talking to Shien? Had he somehow disconnected? -- and heard Izuru saying something about Shien? Or--

Astel felt hysterical laughter bubble up from his throat as he swayed unsteadily -- he was so _messed-up_ , it was pretty funny -- and that was the last thing he remembered before he completely blacked out.

* * *

“You need me to do _what_?!” Oga’s voice was so loud -- probably because it was already deep by default, and someone yelling with a deep voice had quite an impact -- that Shien had to move the phone away from his ear for a second to recover.

“Check on Astel. I’ll give you the address,” Shien repeated, unable to help but sounding panicked. He’d thought the worst of the storm of Astel’s complete and utter breakdown had passed, and had mistakenly relaxed his guard. Even Rikka had said that it was okay, so they’d all stepped back and waited--

Izuru had been right. They shouldn’t have stopped trying to intervene. Purposely jumping in on Temma’s APEX streams so Astel wouldn’t do it -- they should’ve continued doing that until they were absolutely sure that Astel wouldn’t do anything stupid and reckless.

But Shien had thought it was fine, and he’d looked away, and now he felt responsible because hadn’t Shinove entrusted Astel’s safety to _him_ and--

“Why can’t you do it?” Oga was saying, though even as he complained, Shien could hear Oga getting ready to leave his house anyway -- the rustle of clothing being pulled on, keys jingling as they were shoved into pockets -- and he was extremely thankful all of a sudden that he had such a great best friend. “I don’t think Astel wants me in his house, Shien.”

“Rikka’s streaming, Izuru’s way too far, and we have collaborations today that we can’t skip,” Shien said, not bothering to elaborate on the ‘we’ because Oga had been the first one he’d told about the relationship anyway. Though the expression Oga had made back then--

“Fine, but only because it’s you asking,” Oga grumbled.

“Thanks, Oga,” Shien said, the relief palpable in his voice as he sighed. He wasn’t sure this was such a good idea -- Oga had made his stance on Astel clear when Shien had explained what had happened at the off-collab -- but it wasn’t like he had anyone else to send.

He could only hope he hadn’t made things worse.

* * *

“Everyone’s been too nice to you about this, but I’m just going to say it plainly so you can’t claim you _didn’t get it_ ,” Izuru said. He didn’t look angry, just serious, and somehow that was scarier. If Izuru was angry, Temma could claim that the words had been said in bad faith, or at the height of emotions -- in a way, he could say Izuru didn’t mean them.

But like this, said seriously and slowly, with the younger man’s eyes directly locked with his in the video call-- 

“Stay away from Astel if it’s not work-related. Stop trying to lure him out. Leave him alone,” Izuru said, each sentence said pointedly. He paused and let out a small, irritated huff when Temma didn’t immediately respond. “Temma, did you hear me?”

“I heard you,” Temma said quietly. “But I can’t do that. I love him.”

“Like hell you do, asshole,” Izuru said, rolling his eyes. “If you loved him, you wouldn’t be sitting there having a conversation with me. Not right now.”

* * *

When Temma arrived at Astel’s place and tried the door, it was unlocked. It sent a flash of fear through him because it meant that maybe Izuru had been right about everything -- Astel had somehow passed out mid-conversation with Izuru and there was no one available to check on him. Hearing it had freaked Temma out because he had already _known_ this would happen to Astel somehow, but Shien had said it was just fucking _destressing_ or whatever the hell--

He was losing his mind with anxiety. He couldn’t even remember the trip here, just that he’d been in such a hurry that he hadn’t bothered to dress-up properly -- just threw on the nearest shirt and jeans and ran out the door -- and he’d probably looked like a madman when he’d boarded the train, all wild eyes and uncombed hair.

 _It’s your fault, you know_ , Izuru had added, his tone still not angry, just matter-of-fact. Temma hadn’t bothered to leave the call when he’d heard the details, but had bolted from his chair and made his way to his closet instead. _But I’ll give you one chance to fix this. If you fail, I’ll make your life hell._

The threat wasn’t necessary. Temma would’ve gone here regardless. He’d have done anything at all if it meant Astel would accept his feelings -- would _believe_ him -- and would let him act on them. He wanted to be there for Astel. More than wanting someone for his own selfish reasons -- like he’d been yearning for for most of his life -- Temma found that his focus when it came to Astel was the complete opposite. He wanted to be the one Astel could depend on, even if Temma himself got nothing in return from the exchange.

He made his way inside, shutting the door behind him quietly because what if Izuru was _wrong_ and Astel had just fallen asleep and--

“Temma?”

Oga was walking out of what was probably the bedroom, and he looked properly surprised to see Temma kicking off his shoes quickly in the entryway.

Temma saw red. Maybe it was because he’d already been on edge the whole way here or maybe it was because fucking _Oga_ had the goddamned nerve to even fucking be _here_ in Astel’s home, when even Temma himself couldn’t--

“Wait,” Oga said, his hands raising in surrender when Temma stalked towards him with clenched fists and narrowed eyes. “Temma, I wasn’t--”

“What the hell are you doing here?!” Temma found himself yelling. He stopped right in front of Oga, not quite throwing a punch just yet, but it was taking all his willpower not to take out all his frustrations on such an easy target.

“Shien sent me to check on him,” Oga said. He still had his hands raised, but when it looked like Temma wouldn’t actually hit him, he lowered them to his sides and sighed. “He was delirious and in pretty bad shape earlier, but I managed to-- anyway, you probably don’t want the details. He’s fine now. Sleeping. I just finished putting him to bed.”

Oga motioned towards the open door behind him and Temma wordlessly stalked past, not trusting himself to hold a proper conversation until he had checked on Astel and made sure the other man was really okay.

Astel looked… small and infinitely fragile, but part of that was because Oga seemed to have decided to surround him with pillows and dozens of stuffed toys, like he was a sleeping princess part of some sort of display.

“What--” Temma started, the sight a bit too much for him to take in gracefully. The anger he’d been feeling left abruptly, and for a moment, all he had was confusion.

“I wasn’t sure how he usually does things, so I took some liberties with the arrangement,” Oga explained, coming to stand beside Temma and looking down at Astel’s slumbering form on the bed as well. “He looks cute like this, don’t you think?”

“Yes,” Temma conceded, dropping down so he could sit at the side of the bed and reach out a hand to brush Astel’s hair away from his face gently. He pressed his palm against Astel’s forehead and let out a relieved breath when it didn’t seem like Astel had a fever. “But I don’t think he sleeps like this, Oga.”

“Hey, the stuffed toys were there, so why not?” Oga replied, laughing. And when Temma didn’t reply -- he was distracted running his hand through Astel’s hair -- Oga seemed to grow serious. “Temma, I know about what happened. It’s not your fault. I’m on your side.”

“It’s not a war. You don’t have to pick a side,” Temma said, unsure how much Oga really knew. It wasn’t like there was anyone else in that bathroom when Astel and he had--

There was the pain again, twisting in Temma’s heart and stealing his breath away for an excruciating moment. He wanted to make things right between him and Astel so badly. He wanted to apologize for that kiss -- because that was probably one of the worst first kisses between two people ever -- and do things properly this time.

“I love you,” he whispered, tracing the dark circles beneath Astel’s eyes that hadn’t been there before. He couldn’t stop touching Astel for some reason, maybe because this was something he couldn’t do when Astel was awake. Maybe because Astel’s skin was still soft, and Temma wanted so much to lean down and kiss him, but this was such an inappropriate time for that.

Oga made a thoughtful sound. “I think I misunderstood something. If that’s how you feel about him, then--”

“He doesn’t believe me,” Temma said, sighing. Looking at Astel’s face now, the other man looked tired, even when he was already sleeping. Temma was suddenly regretful that he’d waited for so long. If he hadn’t taken Rikka’s advice--

“It’s… not an easy thing to believe for most people,” Oga said, seemingly struggling with approaching such a serious topic. He cleared his throat and glanced towards the door. “I should go.”

“No,” Temma said, looking up at Oga and frowning. He didn’t want to admit it, but-- “Shien won’t like it if he gets here after his collab and it’s just me with Astel.”

“I’ll talk to Shien,” Oga said, sighing. He made his way towards the door and paused right before he went out, speaking from there without turning to look back at Temma. “Temma, if you want my advice… hold him and don’t let go, even if he tells you to. If you approach things like this half-heartedly, some people take it as proof that your feelings weren’t real in the end.”

“Oga--”

Oga let out a deep chuckle, but it sounded a bit sad coming from him. “Learn from my mistakes so at least someone benefits from the experience. Good luck.”

* * *

When Astel woke up hours later, his first emotion was confusion. He had a brief recollection of physically trying to wrestle Oga of all people and failing spectacularly at it, but he figured that was too ridiculous to have actually been real so he dismissed it as a dream instead.

He shifted in bed, trying to push the stuffed toys off of him -- why the hell were they all around him like this? Had he been that drunk? -- so he could get up and drink water, but then he found that he couldn’t push away this heavy thing on his stomach that--

“Temma?!” Astel exclaimed, his voice hoarse due to his dry throat. He snatched his hand back to his chest as if the contact had burned him, his eyes narrowing as he tried to make sense of what he was seeing. Was Temma really taking a fucking nap on his bed? And using him as a pillow too?!

_What the fuck what the fuck what the fu--_

The blond head he’d been pushing at lifted itself, and Temma sat up with a slight stretch and a groan. His gaze on Astel was mellow at first -- still half-asleep -- but Astel saw the moment realization kicked in, Temma’s eyes growing wide as he seemed both surprised that Astel was awake and suddenly panicked that he didn’t know what to say.

“Astel, I--”

“You look like shit,” Astel said, his brain still not processing the entire situation -- what the hell had he even done last night? Why was Temma here? -- but easily picking up on the fact that Temma didn’t look fashionable today. Hell, he didn’t even look like he’d combed his hair.

Temma’s brow furrowed and for a moment he looked lost. “Thanks? You do too?”

“Get out,” Astel replied automatically, the words lacking heat. Temma looked so dismayed at the sentence that Astel found himself laughing. Once he’d started, however, he found that he couldn’t stop. This situation was so absurd. What was even happening?

He turned on his side and pressed his hands over his mouth, but he couldn’t stop giggling. Tears were beginning to form at the sides of his eyes now, but really, this whole thing--

Maybe he’d finally gone insane.

“Astel,” Temma said, and there was something firm in his voice that finally got Astel to stop mentally breaking down so he could listen. He didn’t move from his position, however, and stayed curled up on his side, hands pressed over his mouth as he fell silent. Waiting.

Surprisingly, he felt fine. Aside from the slight headache he had -- which was probably from the alcohol more than anything else -- there was nothing immediately painful for Astel as he waited for Temma to continue speaking.

Maybe it was because he’d already worn himself out past the point of caring. Maybe it was because he was still caught between dreams and reality, having just woken up minutes earlier.

Or maybe it was because he already knew what Temma was going to say.

“I love you,” Temma said, and though he sounded a bit like he was pleading when he was saying it, there was no wavering. Not a single sign of hesitation crept into his voice. “And if you still don’t believe me, I need you to tell me what I have to do to prove it.”

Astel let the silence stretch between them as he let Temma’s words sink in and anchor him back to reality. There were so many things he could say or do in reply -- pretend he didn’t hear, complain about Temma’s horrible sense of timing, reject Temma again and blame him for every painful thing Astel had gone through lately -- but all of them seemed too difficult to pull off.

When lying became too hard, even accomplished liars eventually had to settle for the truth.

Astel sighed, uncurling himself so he could flop onto his back and properly meet Temma’s gaze. The other man looked both determined and terrified, and Astel wanted to say something about how Temma didn’t have to prove anything. The fact that he was _here_ and _trying_ spoke volumes already. But even that was too difficult to explain. Maybe later, when Astel had finally had his drink of water and had soaked in a long bath to feel refreshed.

“I know,” Astel said instead, a small smile forming on his lips. “I believe you.”

* * *

Temma had been expecting that he’d be allowed to stay and maybe push forward in his relationship with Astel -- after all, Astel had _finally_ accepted his feelings and they’d fixed things between them -- but the arrival of both Shien and Roberu ensured that such a possibility was off the table.

Temma hadn’t even managed to get a kiss in, because Astel had been very particular about feeling ‘human’ before they attempted anything. That meant Temma had to sit through Astel ordering and then eating a shitton of food -- how could he eat so much and stay so slim? -- and then soaking in a long bath and pampering himself afterwards while Temma listened to the fucking _twitcast_ of the said event instead of being in the damn bathroom doing things with his new boyfriend instead.

It was crazy, but despite his voiced complaints, he found that he didn’t really mind. After all, it was just Astel being Astel, and Temma would give him the world if he asked for it.

“It’s nice that you’re together now,” Shien was saying, and Temma watched as the other man snatched the hairdryer from Astel’s hands, pushed him down onto a nearby chair, and began to dry Astel’s wet hair himself. “But you can’t stay over yet. Astel needs to rest more.”

Astel grinned, and he seemed content to let Shien continue mothering him. He winked at Temma when their eyes met and Temma found himself laughing.

“You’re so spoiled,” Temma teased. It had only been hours ago, but it felt like the pain he’d nursed in his heart had already become a distant memory. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this light or this happy, and they weren’t even doing anything out of the ordinary.

“Yes,” Astel agreed easily. There was a vibrant look in his eyes now, the earlier fatigue chased away -- probably by all the damn food he’d eaten -- and he looked beautiful. “You’re going to have to work hard to satisfy me, Temma.”

“I definitely will,” Temma replied earnestly. He smiled when he saw a light flush creep up on Astel’s cheeks at his reply. It was cute. For all his assumed bravado, it seemed like Astel was still capable of being flustered.

“Okay, I talked to Izuru,” Roberu said, walking nearer to them and slipping his phone into one of his pockets. He nodded at Temma. “He says you get to live another day.”

Temma laughed, surprised at the sentence. “Did he really say that? What the hell?”

“Congrats,” Astel called out teasingly, right before Shien shoved his head down and told him to stop moving for a few minutes so they could finish.

“Yes, he said it,” Roberu said, laughing a little. “But seriously, Temma, I’m glad you finally did something right for once. I was getting a bit worried there that you wouldn’t be able to make Astel happy.”

Temma nodded, understanding completely where Roberu was coming from -- though he could’ve done without the insult. “Yeah, I’ll try to make it up to everyone and--”

“Sure, sure, but you still can’t stay over,” Roberu interrupted with another laugh. He gestured with his head in Shien’s direction. “Wife says you can’t, so that’s that. You’ll have to come back to woo our pretty baby boy some other time.”

Temma blinked, his mouth falling open for a second as the pieces finally clicked into place. He probably should’ve caught on sooner, but it’d been so well hidden-- or maybe he really was just an idiot when it came to these things. “Wait. You and Shien are--”

“Aww, Robe-chan called me his pretty baby boy,” Astel said loudly, his tone teasing but undeniably pleased. “My papa finally accepts me~”

“Shut that shitty brat up, Shien,” Roberu laughed. He reached out a hand towards Temma and clapped him on the shoulder. His expression was suddenly serious -- Temma was a little bit taken aback -- as he stepped closer and dropped his voice to a near whisper. “Don’t hurt him again or we’re going to have to talk.”

“I won’t,” Temma whispered back, his eyes still wide with surprise at the sudden shift in his friend’s demeanor. He didn’t even know Roberu was capable of such intensity.

Roberu was back to grinning and friendly in the next moment, like what Temma had seen and heard hadn’t even happened.

“Good.” 

* * *

Temma was all ready to go home and just come back another time when Astel was more rested -- preferably when the slightly scary Babudon couple were way out of sight as well -- but when he got to the door, Astel gave a little tug at his shirt to stop him from opening it to leave.

“Come here. Bend down a bit,” Astel said, a small and mischievous smirk on his lips.

Temma complied -- expecting some sort of chaste goodbye kiss -- but all at once he found himself pulled into something much more passionate -- Astel’s soft hands stroking his cheeks, warm lips pressing against his once, twice, and then teeth were tugging gently at Temma’s bottom lip, and Astel’s tongue was in Temma’s mouth, exploring every inch thoroughly and--

Temma couldn’t help the moan of deep want that escaped him, the sound swallowed in their kissing as he gripped Astel’s waist tightly, fingers itching to slip inside clothing but resisting for modesty’s sake since they were near the door and if Shien and Roberu bothered to look, they would see.

Astel, when he really meant to kiss someone, apparently kissed like an ocean storm -- fierce and all-consuming in its intensity -- and Temma could feel himself drowning in it but he found that he didn’t mind. In fact, he loved it and wanted more of it.

When Astel finally released him, both of them were breathing heavily, and Temma was so sure he wouldn’t be able to make the walk to the station with how fucking hard he already was.

Astel was grinning at him, looking smug like he knew what he’d done to Temma -- but of course he did, this was probably on purpose, since Temma had fallen in love with someone who was just a little bit crazy sometimes, in all the best ways -- and when he spoke, it was in a low but teasing tone.

“Should I say goodnight now, Temma?”

“Astel,” Temma growled, torn between being annoyed and just begging for some sort of relief. “I don’t think I can walk like this.”

Astel let out a delighted little laugh then, and Temma felt a rush of affection, of love upon hearing it -- the sound was always like a shot of bliss straight into his bloodstream -- but at the same time--

“Astel,” Temma said again, whining a little this time. He glanced behind Astel at what he could see of the living room -- empty -- but he knew Roberu and Shien were somewhere there, and could walk over at any minute.

Astel stepped close, and then even closer, and he’d backed Temma against the door in no time at all, his body pressing against Temma’s own in all the right places. Temma let out a soft whimper, his hands on Astel’s waist moving down and around to squeeze tightly at Astel’s ass.

“I’m yours, y’know,” Astel said, in a sweet tone that was still stupidly sexy because of the curve of his lips and the look in his eyes. Or maybe it was sexy because it was _Astel_ , and Temma wanted him desperately. “I’ll do whatever you want, you just have to ask.”

Temma sucked in a breath, his eyes closing as he bent his head to press his face into Astel’s hair. The words had gone straight to his dick, and he was so sure he was staining his underwear now with precum.

This was heaven and hell all at once. He knew what he wanted, but at the same time--

“Temma,” Astel murmured, and then he was kissing Temma’s neck, his tongue drawing a little circle before he followed it with his teeth and then his entire mouth was lavishing attention to the area, gently licking at Temma’s skin like he was one of the dishes Astel was determined to consume. He patiently sucked a mark into Temma’s skin and pressed a soft kiss to the bruise afterwards. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Temma whispered, his voice strained because he was _so close_ to just saying _fuck it all_ and tearing off Astel’s clothes right here by the fucking door, and damn whoever walked in on them.

Astel’s hand slipped under his shirt, palm pressing against his abdomen and feeling incredibly hot against Temma’s already flushed skin. He traced the little blond hairs with his fingers, a gentle line of heat downwards towards the edge of Temma’s pants.

“Say please,” Astel said, his laugh soft this time -- probably so no one else would hear -- but still teasing. Temma groaned and he moved his face to press against Astel’s neck, trailing a series of kisses that started right beneath Astel’s ear, Temma feeling Astel’s heartbeat -- fast, almost racing -- beneath his mouth as he returned the favor and lapped greedily at his boyfriend’s skin, intending to mark him back.

“Please,” Temma begged as quietly as he could manage, even as he bit at the soft skin of Astel’s neck.

Astel’s hand slid into Temma’s pants, bypassing his underwear to grasp at his cock. Temma almost came then and there -- he was that turned on -- but Astel’s grip around the base was tight and he _couldn’t_ just yet.

“Don’t make noise,” Astel whispered, and that was all the warning Temma got before Astel’s hand began to move, slowly at first, and then tighter and faster when Temma’s knees buckled and he slid further down the door, the wood behind him the only thing keeping him upright.

“Astel--” Temma gasped, and Astel kissed him to swallow his moans -- the same intense kiss from earlier, but somehow even _hungrier_ \-- a thumb pressing against the slit at the tip of Temma’s cock, fingers messily spreading the precum and then going right back to the quickened pace -- 

And Temma was coming so hard he was shaking. He couldn’t keep himself standing anymore, even with the door behind him, and Astel was pressing against him, supporting him with an arm wrapping around him and holding him close even as Astel’s other hand stayed on his cock and slowed its movements gradually to match the rise and fall of Temma’s release.

“Oh god,” Temma panted, his eyes screwed shut and his heart pounding heavily in his chest. That had been the most intense experience of his life, and it was a little bit terrifying -- but exciting -- to know that it was just the beginning of their relationship and there was definitely more to come.

“God? You can just call me Astel,” Astel teased, laughing softly as he pressed kisses to Temma’s face. He pulled his hand out of Temma’s pants and grinned as he flexed his fingers covered in the evidence of Temma’s desire. “You’re so messy.”

“Your fault,” Temma said, his laugh breathy since he still hadn’t recovered. Not really. “And you ruined my underwear. Am I supposed to walk home with a wet spot in my pants?”

Astel laughed again. “Sorry, Temma, but yes. My strict parents are here.”

Temma found himself laughing louder now. The situation was absurd but somehow he was still incredibly _happy_ about it. “Fine, but next time, I get to stay over.”

Astel smiled, and it was a gentle smile this time, even a little bit shy, if Astel was capable of that expression at all. “More than staying over, you can move in, if you want.”

Temma’s breath caught at the offer. He would have to make a few adjustments in his life, but it was definitely doable, and he _wanted_ to do it. He’d stubbornly decimate every obstacle that would stand in the way of his newfound happiness.

“Why not? Let’s do it.”


End file.
